Bridge Over Troubled Water
by Zayaz
Summary: The war is over. The cost has been great. Byakuya disappeared years ago and Renji is still looking for his Taichou - what will he do when he finds him. PG/PG13 right now. Tragedy/Drama. Violence/Illness/Char Death/Drug Use Renji/Byakuya/Urahara/Unohana.
1. When you're weary

**Title:** Bridge Over Troubled Water**  
Characters:** Renji/Byakuya – Urahara (and probably a few others if this becomes a serial.)**  
Rating:** PG13 – likely to turn to M if it continues. (no sex, violence, a lil' bit of swearing, sorta depressing)**  
Words:** 1700ish**  
Spoilers:** All the current Manga might be references.**  
Summary:** The war is over. The cost has been great. Byakuya disappeared years ago and Renji is still looking for his Taichou.**  
A/N:** Okay, so this isn't what I had planned on writing for fanfic today, but what the heck. I was listening to my Simon and Garfunkel collection and one of my favorite songs poured through my headphones - "Bridge over Troubled Water" and out of that I visualized this scene. I then tried to work on other things, but it didn't work, so I had to get this out of my brain first.

* * *

**(How the story is written: aka read this for better comprehension)**  
3rd Person POV is Byakuya  
1st Person POV is Renji

**Bridge Over Troubled Water**

His hair had fallen over his face as he begged. Filthy black locks covering the pain in his eyes.

"And why the hell would I give you shit, you fuckin' trash?" the dealer snarled and kicked the homeless man away from him. "I don't give handouts. Karakura is goin' to crap." He walked away, heedless of the man's pleading behind him.

He just needed a hit. Just one. One to stop the hallucinations that seemed to frame every thought in his mind – the people, the voices, anything to get their constant clamoring to stop. When he was at the hospital they gave him medications. None worked. He knew none would work. What he needed was strong opiates… anything to make his mind go blank.

_Blood. A sword. Dimming violet eyes full of agony. Cries of pain mixed with red spatter._

He reeled at the images assaulting his mind and felt his back slam against the a wall of the dirty alley. Sliding down the hard surface, long fingers with dirt encrusted nails clawed at the bricks, trying to flee the images that surrounded him.

_Madness. Rage. A shock of pink hair stained with red. A small voice calling for her father. Corpses piled high._

The voices now started, he knew they would find him again. They always did.

_You failed.  
They died.  
They all died.  
They all died because of you.  
Because of you._

All the phrases spoken in deceptively soft tones – surrounding him, taking on a physical presence and touching him with their tendrils. Assuring him that they existed and were reality, his reality. Born out of his failure. He no longer remembered even what his failure was – it no longer mattered. He just wanted it to end. Please let it end.

Bloody hands left the wall and clutched at his head, tearing at his hair again, trying to tear the voices out of him. Trying to rip them out of his consciousness.

And then a voice.

"Taichou?"

--

It had been years since the Winter War ended and Byakuya disappeared. After Rukia was slaughtered in his arms and then Yachiru was beheaded in front of him we all saw him go berserk. Whatever calm he had was lost and written in Seireitei history his foray into madness went down as the turning point in the War.

We had thought we lost the War - Yamamoto had been killed by Aizen himself and it threw our ranks into chaos. It was all too easy for the Espada to round us up like cattle. The Captains were lined up to watch Aizen's brutal executions of their subordinates. He seemed to take some sort of sick delight with Byakuya, stabbing Rukia multiple times and then thrusting her dying body into the arms of her brother. My Taichou cracked then, but didn't break. When Aizen beheaded Yachiru as she whispered, "Ken-chan?" Byakuya's reiatsu exploded in a force even the traitor couldn't match.

It was the catalyst that finally brought everyone out of the shock of Yamamoto being defeated. The War started again, and though bloody, it was won. Afterwards Byakuya was kept in his estate, no one was allowed to see him except for Unohana-taichou. And one day shortly after Aizen's execution, the word spread through Seireitei that Byakuya had disappeared. Just vanished. I had spent years searching Soul Society and the living world, never a flicker of reiatsu or a trace of the man.

I was put in charge of the 6th Division – what was left of it, and tried to do as well as I could in memory of my Taichou. I never thought of him in any other way, even when I stopped noticing my flowing white haori and stopped feeling guilt every time I sat down at his desk. He was always my Taichou, always would be. Then I got a note from Urahara saying that Captain class reiatsu had been felt in a medical facility in Karakura and there was a lot of damage and he'd appreciate it if I would investigate.

Ukitake, Kyouraku and Unohana now led the Gotei 13, sharing equally in responsibility as none of them wanted to be the sole leader. They agreed to let me check out the disturbance, knowing that my hope had never faltered that my Taichou was still alive.

"We're missing one patient. He was some junkie that the police picked up, probably ran back out to get another fix. He signed a bunch of release forms so if you need his file… what organization were you with again?" The doctor was now looking oddly at the tattoos on my face - I grabbed the file from him and left after saying something unintelligible.

Sitting down on the first bench that was free I opened the manila folder. My Taichou was staring back at me in a grainy black and white photo. His hair was disheveled and the eyes were wild, but it was my Taichou. Flipping past all the personal information where "Unknown" seemed to be the only answer, I finally got to the doctor's treatment notes.

_Untreatable paranoid schizophrenia. Does not respond to medication. Does not respond to therapy. Violent, aggressive behavior. Restraints highly recommended._

I closed my eyes. _Taichou…_

--

He looked up at the voice. Red. Red - the colour of pain. The voices yelled out around him again, reminding him of his failure, the red reminding him of his failure, the bodies of the dead surrounded him again and pressed him harder against the wall.

He pushed and ran, ran as fast as he could, as far as he could. He knew that eventually his body would stop and he would collapse, but then there would be peace for a short while, before they caught him again.

--

I hadn't expected to find him so quickly, but the reiatsu that had so long been hidden from me had developed into an easy trail. The alley where it led me was filthy and I tried to step around all the garbage and waste that littered the ground. Taichou wouldn't be here…

A figure was huddled near a stinking dumpster, crouched and leaning against a wall. As I moved closer I could see bloodied white hands tearing at black hair and heard whimpers.

"Taichou?" The man looked up and I saw haunted grey eyes look momentarily into mine before he fled.

Shunpo. Great. Well, at least when he stopped I could find him again. I followed at a slower pace and noted that the sun was starting to set, but I'd be damned if I left after getting this close. Still… was that really Byakuya?

The trail led me around in a semi-circle and ended in a park. At night the park was eerily peaceful with a soft wind and the gentle rustling of the leaves above me. The smell of green seemed to be everywhere, the smell of spring turning into summer. I found my Taichou under a maple where it seemed he had passed out from exhaustion, his hair damp from sweat and his breathing laboured.

I knelt down and stared at him for a few minutes. I had been searching for him for years, but it never crossed my mind what I would do if I ever found him, much less what I would do if I found him in this condition. I picked him up carefully, feeling the bones that pressed with too much force against his skin and gave a sigh – Urahara's was the only place I knew I could go.

As I was making my way to the Shoten I realized that Byakuya was in a gigai, he must have taken his gigai before he left for the living world. He had been in a gigai for years? I knocked on the door of the Shoten, heard a rustle and a puddle of green and white opened the door.

"Renji-san!" The face held the same smile, but the features were older now, lines of grief deep on his cheeks and forehead. The loss of Jinta and Ururu during the War left scars that would never be healed – not even by Yourichi. The smile disappeared when he saw the man in my arms. "Come in."

He led me to one of the back rooms and motioned for me to put Byakuya down on one of the futons on the floor.

"I'm sorry – I didn't know where else to go," I apologized, but he waved it away carelessly.

"You should know that you can come here at any time, Renji-san." He looked at me and I dropped my eyes, not wanting to relive his pain – or mine. Our lives had changed when Aizen brought the War into the real Karakura, when I had almost died trying to keep the Espada away from the two kids. When we all had failed.

"I'll get some things." He walked out and I stared at Byakuya, now seeing him in better light and grit my teeth against the pain of looking at my Taichou reduced to this. His hair was longer now, but clumped and matted from dirt and blood. Patches had been torn out. His clothes were ragged and torn, as if he found them in a garbage bin – maybe he had. Byakuya's hands struck me the most. I had seen him gracefully use kidou, control Senbonzakura, write his perfect calligraphy with a brush – his white hands always flawless and in control. Now they had a constant tremor running through them even in sleep and the nails were cracked and ripped back to the quick.

Urahara was next to me again, I never noticed him come back into the room. He had brought a basin of steaming water and some bandages.

"How long has it been, Renji-san? Eight years?"

"Almost nine."

"He may not be able to get out of that gigai right now. I'll do what I can." I watched him bring out a pair of scissors and start cutting off the remnants of Byakuya's clothing. My head turned away as soon as I saw what Urahara was doing and I realized I did it to spare my Taichou shame. It was a violation I did not wish to impose on him, even unconscious.

--

Movement without moving. The voices were gone for now. No voices, no images – a few seconds of peace. He had opened his eyes briefly to see the world flashing by and felt the arms holding him. Not grasping or beating or pushing or hurting – just holding.

_Thank you._

An unspoken thought.

* * *

_Not sure if I'll be continuing this. The whole story is mostly in my brainmeats already and this is a pretty small part of it, but hopefully it'll be enough to let my own inner demons let me work on other things. Reviews and edits are always welcome. This was a quick write – so any help is appreciated._


	2. Feeling Small

**Title:** Bridge Over Troubled Water**  
Characters:** Renji/Byakuya – Urahara, Unohana (and maybe a few others as this progresses – but these are the main ones for now.)**  
Rating:** PG/PG13 – (no sex, violence, sorta depressing, yaoi implied/yaoi coming) – may turn into an M later on.**  
Spoilers:** All the current Manga might be referenced.**  
Words: **1600ish**  
Summary:** The war is over. The cost has been great. Byakuya disappeared years ago and Renji is still looking for his Taichou.**  
A/N:** Alright, people wanted another chapter – here be the continuation. Plot development - I had to get the other main char in. These are the main four for now with a potential two others later on. Probably a 3rd chapter will be written if I have time today which'll be a bit more Byakuya centric and a bit longer than these two. Chapters 1 and 2 I consider more of the intro shrug.

Edited: 8/29, didn't realize the formatting was off on this chapter on FF.

**(How the story is written: aka read this for better comprehension)**

3rd Person POV Byakuya  
1st Person POV Renji

**2: Feeling Small**

"I'm going to need your help, Renji-san." Urahara's voice cut through my discomfort at what was going on.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Sit him up so I can get this yakuta on him."

Looking only at my Taichou's face I carefully placed a hand under his shoulders and lifted, bending him at the waist. Touching him like this I could feel his piteous thinness – he was skeletal. Urahara tugged on one sleeve and passed the yakuta behind his back, handing the other side to me.

"Put his other arm in."

Clasping my Taichou's wrist I started to pull his arm through the cloth and stopped, staring at the dark bruises running up his arm, small points of red, inflamed flesh following his veins. Swallowing, I tore my eyes away and glanced at Urahara – his gaze told me he had seen the same thing. I pulled the arm through and wrapped the yakuta around Byakuya, leaving Urahara to finish up the rest. I needed to move, to get out of that room – I couldn't deal with thinking about my Taichou shooting up until his veins collapsed like some junkie.

Finding myself at the low, traditional dining table, I sat down heavily and put my head in my hands, calming my thoughts and breathing. A vibration in my pocket and then the annoying ring – Seireitei was calling.

"Abarai-taichou, you are due to return, what is your status?" A faint, tinny voice came over the line - the reception was terrible here.

"I found Tai… Kuchiki Byakuya."

There was a silence. "And your status?"

"If permitted I would like to stay here for a few more days to further understand the situation. I'm sure that Rikichi-fukutaichou can manage the Division for a short time. I finished all the urgent paperwork and projects before I left." I held my breath…

"That is acceptable for five days, Abarai-taichou. And the status of Kuchiki Byakuya?" I let the air release from my lungs. Five days, that was more than I thought I'd be allowed.

Now what to say? "Unknown right now. I'll give you an update once I know his medical condition."

"Medical condition? What is his _status_, Abarai-taichou?" The voice was getting a little louder and more urgent.

"The reception's cutting out here. I'll report in twenty-four hours." I closed the flip phone with a snap and shoved it back into my jeans. There were things that I couldn't handle at this point – that was one of them. His status? I couldn't discuss Byakuya's status with my own mind yet, much less with some operator from the Gotei.

--

Whiteness everywhere. A memory. White covered in red. White covered in piles of the dead. The voices started screaming again.

_Your fault._  
_All your fault._

Liquid trickled over him, it was warm – warm as the blood coming from the faces now pushing closer. Gaping mouths with the stench of death. Voices screaming louder. His arms flailed out, felt more wetness – more blood trickling down his arms, his body, his face. Panic. He tried to run, but was pinned to the floor, the voices and faces coming closer. Closer. Fear – blinding, encompassing fear. He pleaded, but the voices and faces only consumed his words and came back more powerful, more terrifying. Need to move. Need to run. Need to hide.

--

"Renji-san!" Urahara's voice was loud and urgent and I shunpo'd back to the room. Water had splashed everywhere and Byakuya was on the floor under binding kidou and was struggling madly. Whimpers and half screams were coming from his mouth, his eyes wide and unseeing.

"What happened?"

"He woke up and went wild." Urahara looked a little shaken, but my concern was for my Taichou.

"What should we do?" I knelt beside the man whose body had gotten almost impossibly taut in an attempt to release his hands and feet. I watched the dilated pupils stay focused on something beyond me, not tracking any movement I was making.

"I don't know, Renji-san, but we have to get him held down. I think he's trying to run away."

"How long will the kidou hold?"

"Not very long. He has full reiatsu capabilities, if he decides to use it. I don't know what happened to his limiter."

Shit, my limiter. I was only at twenty percent; there no way I could restrain him effectively using reiatsu. "Do you have a place we can put him?"

Urahara paused. "Yes, but…"

"What?" I asked, annoyed.

"It wasn't meant for someone ill, it was meant in case we got an arrancar prisoner during the War." Urahara frowned and I understood. It was a cell. I wanted to yell in frustration, but restrained myself. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help.

--

More red. More red closer. Fear. Overwhelming fear. He could feel his heart racing and feel the voices on his skin. He had to get away. He had to run.

--

We were both thrown back when a burst of reiatsu erupted from Byakuya and I crashed through two layers of shoji, landing several meters away. Dammit. Shaking the bits of wood and paper off of me I stood up and looked into the room, it was empty except for Urahara getting off the floor. Curses flew from my mouth that I hadn't uttered for years and I ran out of the Shoten, feeling Byakuya's reiatsu moving further away by the second.

I shed the gigai before I got too far away from the store and in Shinigami form quickly caught up with my Taichou and tackled him. We both landed painfully on the pavement and he started struggling underneath me.

"Taichou. Stop!" I put my knees on his back and pushed down on his shoulders with my hands, knowing if he used reiatsu it would all be over. Moving my hands to his sides I grabbed his thin wrists and held them firmly against the pavement. My breathing was loud in my ears as I felt the wrongness of the situation. "Taichou, we're just trying to help."

--

The new voice cut through the screams, chasing them away. They were gone for a second. A blessing - this small second of peace.

--

"I don't know what to do, Taichou." I felt my frustration build and let out a roar of anger at my helplessness.

"Well, I can help," a soft voice said above me and I saw a drop of liquid fall onto Byakuya's face and his body went limp. Looking up I saw the serene visage of Unohana-taichou – my body relaxed in relief. "Pick him up and we'll return to Urahara-san." She gracefully put the bottle back into a hidden pocket in her haori and waited until I got up and gathered Byakuya in my arms for the second time that night.

Urahara had already collected my gigai and stashed it somewhere. He looked surprised seeing Unohana, but quickly masked it and graciously greeted her, bowing low.

"Unohana-taichou, I did not expect you."

"Well, the Gotei operators were very concerned over the communication with Abarai-taichou. They mentioned something medical, so I decided to come. I see that was the correct decision. What have you discovered thus far, Urahara-san?" her voice carried soft concern, but also a chiding tone that was obviously directed towards me. I frowned and put down Byakuya on the futon again.

"Not much, Unohana-taichou. He appears to have… utilized some living world narcotics on a regular basis. Renji-san can tell you more. I'll see about getting that room prepared." Urahara bustled out, obviously not wanting to participate in the conversation any longer.

Unohana gave me a glance and I picked up Byakuya's slightly wet file from the ground and handed it silently to her. She took it and flipped through the pages, quickly scanning the many pages of notes and gave a long sigh that I had never heard her utter before. That couldn't be good.

"I was afraid of this. His deterioration has progressed far beyond what I had anticipated." She knelt beside Byakuya, paying the water surrounding him no mind.

"Kuchiki-taichou, what have you done to yourself?" Her fingers slowly traced the marks on his arms and gently moved a lock of hair off of his face. I watched her concentrate and bright reiatsu glowed from her hands, quickly healing the scrapes, cuts and bruises. It was always amazing to watch her work – every move she made was effortless. A few minutes later Unohana rose to her feet and faced me again.

"I was also sent here by the Kuchiki family. They want to know the status of the head of their clan."

I felt tension roll in my stomach. "And what are you going to tell them?"

"That he cannot leave the real world due to – medical complications," she replied slowly. "However, that will not keep them at bay for long. Maybe a few weeks."

"You think he can be helped?" I asked hopefully.

She shook her head. "I cannot guarantee that. His mind and soul were fractured in the War. They have to be brought back together – I was trying aid in that prior to his disappearance. Being this long in a gigai was not beneficial, it only added another layer to a broken consciousness."

"So what can we do?" I was getting frustrated again and found I was rubbing my neck in a nervous gesture I hadn't used since becoming a Captain.

"It is not a living world diagnosis and cure, Abarai-taichou. Souls are different than humans. This isn't simple trauma to the mind, it's trauma to the soul – the essence of our being. You cannot fix that with a bandage or healing kidou."

"He can't be the first one, this had to have happened to others. How did they get better?" I would not give up on my Taichou. Ever.

"You are correct, there were others, even several from the War. A few of them are still in the 4th Division Hospital, or in cells because Seireitei thinks they are too dangerous to be free."

"A few? What happened to the others?"

She gave me a long look before answering. "They all died, Abarai-taichou."

* * *

_And thus ends the 2nd chapter. Next will be the beginning of ByaRecovery, that may take a while. Reviews always welcome... hopefully I'll dump more of this out of my brain later._


	3. When tears are in your eyes

**Title:** Bridge Over Troubled Water**  
Chapter:** 3 – When the tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.**  
Characters:** Renji/Byakuya – Urahara, Unohana (and maybe a few others as this progresses – but these are the main ones for now.)**  
Rating:** PG/PG13 – (no sex, a little violence, angst/tragedy)**  
Spoilers:** All the current Manga might be referenced.**  
Words: **Chapter 3600ish – Story 7300ish**  
Summary:** The war is over. The cost has been great. Byakuya disappeared years ago and Renji is still looking for his Taichou. What will he do when he finds him?**  
Chapter Summary:** It is decided where to put Byakuya, flashbacks and more backhistory about the war and Renji's relationship with his Taichou. Information about the Kuchiki family's plans for their leader.**  
A/N: **This one actually happened pretty fast. Gotta love outlines. Sorry for the heavy angst, really, in about two chapters it'll get a little better. May write some omake drabbles – as there was a lot of humour that I've cut out of every chapter because it didn't flow. This was written rather quickly and was edited even more quickly.

**(How the story is written: aka read this for better comprehension)**  
3rd Person POV Byakuya  
1st Person POV Renji

* * *

**3: When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all**

He was dreaming of war. Blades flashing, monsters yelling and dying, comrades falling to the ground knowing that they would never get up again. And always present somewhere were the faces, yelling and screaming and begging and accusing. Even as he fought they were there at the edges of his world, waiting for this Armageddon to be over so that they could start their ceaseless torment. He was in battle next to someone – their backs pressed hard against each other, defending against the endless waves of white. Blood poured down, but he knew he would be only attacked from the front as long as the warrior behind him still breathed.

--

"Most killed themselves, Abarai-taichou. Their perceived reality caused them to do great physical harm to themselves. I must say that few have lived without restraints as long as Kuchiki-san has." Unohana was looking at Byakuya as she spoke and I could see that she was debating what the next course of action would be.

Urahara shuffled slightly at the door and we looked over at him, a thin layer of dust covered his clothing and he was nervously playing with his fan. Was it Unohana that caused his discomfort?

"I have… remade a room into something a bit more suitable. Perhaps you would want to see it, Unohana-taichou?"

She nodded and he turned and led us down a long hallway and then into one of his many sub-basements of the Shoten. This one was smaller than most of the others I had seen. It was just a hallway with four rooms on each side. Each room had three thick, padded walls and embedded hooks for restraints. The only piece of furniture was a chair in a corner, bolted to the ground. The fourth wall, the one facing the hallway was made out of a thick, plastic material that had an odd sheen to it.

"I believe I sent the plans over to Seireitei when these were made. New prototype of reiatsu sealing material. The clear wall can stay transparent, become fully opaque or turn into a mirrored surface when seen from the inside, but from the hallway the occupants will always be visible. I slightly modified one of the holding cells for Kuchiki." He pointed to the first cell on the right. He had added a futon on the floor and had sealed up the holes that were to hold the restraints. If it wasn't for the thought of my Taichou being in a place like this, I would have smiled at the cushion he had also added to the chair. "Is anything else needed, Unohana-taichou?"

I turned my eyes to the soft-spoken woman and saw her mouth twist slightly. "I do not wish to restrain Kuchiki-san, but he will hurt himself when he wakes if we do not." She looked around at the cell. "Would you be able to procure a straitjacket, Urahara-san?"

"What? You're going to put Kuchiki Byakuya in a straitjacket?" I exclaimed angrily and the healer turned towards me, a flash of ire in her eyes.

"Would you rather he tear at himself until he bleeds to death or does irreparable damage?"

Frowning, I dropped my gaze, still feeling that this whole situation was – wrong. I left them, walking back to the room where my Taichou lay and started mopping up the spilled water that still lay in pools, feeling frustrated at the world. Mentally chiding myself, I put aside all the negative thoughts and inside concentrated on the 'now'.

After Kurosaki left Soul Society the first time, Byakuya started treating me differently – less like broken rickshaw that needed a kick to work properly and more like his fukutaichou. His primary complaint for those first few weeks was that I could not settle my mind to any one task. He was right, as usual. So we spent hours practicing meditation in Rukongai forest and later in his estate – I learned how to quiet my mind and focus without letting memories and extraneous thoughts appear randomly.

I remember the first time he gave me a genuine smile, a smile that was directed towards me – not because I did something idiotic or because he was feeling self-satisfied – but because he was proud of what I had accomplished.

It was minor, just some paperwork – seated officer reviews, but Madarame had stopped by the office and asked if I wanted to go to his place where a sake party was starting. I shot him a blank look and even though it was well after it was time to leave, gave him a frown and said, "No, I have to get these done – how'd you feel if your review didn't get turned in on time?" I had never said 'no' to Ikkaku before and felt as stunned as he must have been at my response. Madarame simply stormed away and I felt for a moment that I should go after him. However, looking over at my Taichou I saw the gleam of surprise in his eyes and then a smile curl the edges of his lips as he inclined his head towards me, obviously approving of my response. The thrill of that small gesture made me feel better than any sake ever could.

I had almost finished cleaning the floor when Urahara and Unohana came in with what looked to be an institutional-type straitjacket. Standing to the side, I watched them thread his arms through, buckling the back and placing the sleeves around his body and then through the loops on the sides, fastening it tightly behind his back.

"It will not be good to leave him like this for long periods of time, but he shall be waking up shortly and I cannot use another dose of my Division formula so soon after the last one. Hopefully, this will not cause him too much harm for a few hours," Unohana murmured and looked at me. "Could you please carry him, Abarai-taichou?"

Giving a slight scowl, I picked Byakuya up and carried him into the hidden basement and put him down on the futon on his back, figuring that that was the most comfortable position and walked out, closing the door softly behind me. My stomach was churning and I felt nauseous; I wanted to say it was just hunger, but I knew it was the stress of having to come to grips with what my Taichou had become. I didn't even really know what he had become, but he wasn't who he used to be. Silently, I vowed that I would do what I could to help him – whatever the cost.

I heard dishes clanking as I went back upstairs and wandered into the dining area where the two were seated at the table, serving themselves some dinner that Urahara had procured from somewhere.

"Renji-san! Sit. Eat. Surely you haven't lost your appetite in the last few years!" Urahara kidded lightly and I sat down casually and looked at the meat and fish.

"No, Urahara-san – that's something that'll never go away," I replied and started pushing rice into my bowl. "However, this time I'll say, 'thank you' for all the help as well as the food." I gave him a tight smile and he returned it with sad eyes, likely remembering the many jibes the kids had always given me at the dinner table. Those thoughts hung heavily over the food and until Unohana broke the silence.

"You will be here an additional five days, Abarai-taichou. I will stay as long as I am able, but may have to travel back and forth as Koutestu-fukutaichou is on leave for two weeks."

I looked at her in understanding. The anniversary of the end of the Winter War was coming and many shinigami who had family losses took two weeks off. Although she never once faltered in her duty, we all knew that Isane took Kiyone's death with difficulty and had since lost her ready smile. Realizing that I was focusing on the past, again, I swallowed my mouthful and pushed a piece of meat around my bowl.

"What should I do, Unohana-taichou?" I hated the confused sound in my voice, but I admitted to the fact that I really, truly had no idea what to do with my Taichou.

She gave a very small, graceful shrug. "Sadly, I cannot tell you that. While I am here I hope to talk with Kuchiki-san for a while and see at what level he is communicating and processing information. You must understand, Abarai-taichou, the reality that a person like this lives in is not the same as ours. We will need to bring him back to our reality, if possible. If not, we need to make him as comfortable as we can in his reality."

"And how do you do that?"

"If I knew that, Abarai-taichou, I would certainly tell you. Sadly, I do not. We have had a few cases of partial recovery where family had taken them in and the familiar surroundings and people have kept them comfortable." She slowly finished the last of the rice in her bowl and I realized that the two closest people to him had both been killed, the only people he considered family.

Closing my eyes briefly, I remembered the many times in the months before the war that I had caught Byakuya playing with Yachiru in his estate, or eating sweets with her in a very undignified manner. I also recalled the many quiet dinners he had with Rukia, which confused her, but I understood as his way of sharing personal space. And the constant questions about her abilities as the war neared – not as a Captain trying to determine the strength of another Shinigami – instead as a concerned brother hoping that his sister was prepared to face the trials ahead. And now they were both gone, in the most brutal way possible.

"Abarai-taichou, you should not be dwelling on the past." Unohana's voice cut around my consciousness and I opened my eyes, giving my head a shake.

"I was just thinking, Unohana-taichou, that he doesn't have any family who could provide that service."

She made a sound of agreement, but gave a frown. "Well, he does have family. Very concerned family, in fact. Apparently, they have started the paperwork to remove Kuchiki-san as head of the clan and instate someone else. Now with his reappearance their plans have been disrupted and they are anxious to see if he is still capable of leading their clan."

I grit my teeth. Being his fukutaichou I had the dubious honour of being present during many meetings with his family. None of them had been pleasant – all of them overbearing, loud, obnoxious and rude - it was amazing that Byakuya had turned out as well as he did. "So what does that mean? They don't want him to lead anymore?"

"They have never approved of his methods, even if they were effective. He was not as malleable to their desires as they had wished. It would be more convenient for them to have a figurehead rather than a dictatorial leader. The Kuchiki clan is like the other large noble houses, every one of them tries to depose an overly strong leader so that the heads of each family within the house can retain more power."

"And if they see him like this it'll be easy to get rid of him." I finished for her succinctly and she gave a small nod.

"However, you can also not deny that he most likely is not capable of running a large noble house right now."

I bit back a smart remark, realizing she was right. However, if he had nothing to come back to, nothing left, then he would be truly lost, wouldn't he? Unohana blue-grey eyes met mine and I knew she understood where my thoughts were going.

"We can only try to do the right thing, Abarai-taichou."

--

He woke up on softness. Softer than anything in his recent memory. The dreams of the fighting left him relaxed – so much better than the dreams of the dead. His eyes opened slightly to stare at a grey ceiling. Not white, grey. And it was dimly lit, not black, just not light. It was comforting, the lack of black and white. Shades of grey made him feel more at ease. White always had red and in the black the faces would come.

His hair was in his face again, a brief flash of annoyance passed through him and he reached to push it away. His hair didn't move away from his eyes. He tried again and realized that his hands wouldn't move. Looking down he saw that they were bound closely to his body. Why? He sat up and pulled, no use. Taking in more of his surroundings he saw the bare walls and then a way out. No. It was the same as in the other place. That wall was there for people to come and stare, he had tried to run against those walls before.

He felt his breath come quicker as he tried to get his hands free. A tickle in the back of his mind and he knew that they were coming now.

_You can't hide.  
You can't run._

Noise swirled around him and he staggered to his feet backing up against a soft wall, realizing there was no escape in the room. He shut his eyes, but he couldn't bring his hands up to cover his ears. The whispering got louder.

_Look at us._

No. There was no way to block them out now. He felt his nails digging into his palms, desperately wishing he could get his hands free, and then he could push all this away.

_Look at us._

He sunk to the ground, burying his face in his knees, wishing for blindness, wishing for deafness, wishing for death.

_Look at us._

It was more insistent now and he felt the need to just look, once, at what was demanding his attention. Opening his eyes he raised his head. Huge violet eyes staring back at him, the pupils so large he felt he was losing himself in the utter blackness. Red started streaming from the black, covering the violet and flowing towards him faster and faster.

Must run. Hard to get up without arms. The red was following. The voices were following.

_Look at what you did.  
Your fault.  
Your failure._

Fear again. No way to escape. No way to hide his face or head. Frantic movements, he must get his hands free. No escape without hands. Pushing hard against something in a corner. Something to help hide him from the drowning red. Something to help stop his ears from the whispers. Please, something - anything.

_You can't run.  
You can't hide._

--

"Renji-san, would you mind doing a little shopping?" Urahara asked after their dinner.

"Of course not." I was more than happy to help him out with any little chores he had, glancing at the clock I realized it was late morning now.

"Ah, excellent. Just a few things. Your gigai is in the closet over there. I'll make up a list and get you some cash." Urahara bustled out and as if on cue, Unohana's phone rang. She pulled it out of her haori and flipped it open.

"Unohana speaking." A long pause. "Yes, I can come for a few hours. Everything here appears to be under control." She glanced at me and gave a reassuring smile. "Indeed? Well, that is a problem. I will return shortly." She closed the phone softly.

"Something bad?" I asked.

"No, it just appears that the 11th is back to their old tricks and caused a disturbance that has left the 4th Division inordinately busy. They just need a helping hand. I will be back this evening." She smiled and stood up. It was actually good to hear the 11th getting back on their feet. With Yachiru's death, Zaraki had also fallen into a deep depression and the 11th had suffered with their Taichou only a ghost of his former erratic self. Madarame had picked up the slack and proven his worth during these last few years and kept the Division going and even managed to raise Zaraki's spirits recently, getting his Taichou to beat him senseless several times. It was good thinking about them running around causing mayhem again.

"I'll see you tonight, then. Thank you, Unohana-taichou." She nodded and gave me another small smile before disappearing out of the Shoten. I went to the closet and pulled out my gigai, slipping into the fleshy body easily and standing up, feeling the world anew. Some people hated the feeling of a gigai, but to me it was just another interesting experience. Nothing was the same in a gigai: tastes, smells and feelings – they were all different when you had the fake flesh separating yourself from reality. It was an adventure every time and something I hadn't done for many years.

I was still wearing the faded blue jeans, white t-shirt and blue hooded sweatshirt – good enough. Deciding that while Urahara was making up his list I'd go see if Byakuya was still sleeping, I headed down to the basement. Before I had even reached the cell I knew something was wrong. It was just a gut feeling that I had learned not to ignore. I opened the door, my eyes adjusting to the dark.

"Taichou?" I peered around. The futon was empty, I heard a small noise coming from the corner of the room and saw Byakuya crouched near the chair, his head in the cushion. I walked over to him, wondering if he was sleeping. Then I saw the red stains seeping into the cloth and pushed him into a sitting position, horrified by the blood running down his face. I glanced at the chair and realized he must have been beating his head against it.

"Hands… need hands," he whispered and I nodded.

"Hold on a second, Taichou." My fingers were shaking as I undid the multitude of buckles and straps, pulling off the jacket as quickly as I could. As soon as it was off he brought his hands up to his head and grabbed at his hair again, clawing at his scalp and curled the right side of his body against the wall.

I pulled Byakuya back to towards me and used the straitjacket to wipe the blood away from his face, trying to figure out how bad the injuries were. Just a few nicks on his forehead that had slowed down to a trickle. His eyes were still closed, his hands over his ears as if he was trying to shut out everything. He barely moved as I cleaned off his face and when I let him go again he went back to his position against the wall.

"Go away!" he suddenly yelled and at the sound of command in his voice my body automatically moved to leave. I stopped myself. He wasn't talking to me. His eyes were open, his agonized gaze staring at something in front of him and then tears started pouring down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he sobbed over and over, like a litany that would keep his demons at bay. His hands went back to his head and I realized I couldn't let him go on like this. I kneeled behind him and gently took his wrists away from his head, holding them firmly in his lap.

"Stop, Taichou. It's not real. You don't need to be sorry for anything." He struggled against me slightly and I let go, I wasn't going to restrain him. When his hands went back up again, I brought them down, and the motion was repeated so many times I lost count. Finally, he stopped and was quiet. I grabbed a sleeve of the straitjacket and dried his face, feeling the tears still pouring from his eyes.

"It's okay, Taichou," I said lamely, his tears disturbing me more than the blood. I felt him slump against me slightly and start shaking with the aftermath of all the emotion. "Let's get you to bed."

--

The red had surrounded him. The eyes had started their gnawing on his soul. He couldn't get away. Helpless.

The new voice again, cutting through the colour. Help. Hands. Please.

Hands. He pushed his new freedom hard against his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut. Push harder. Push them away.

Feeling the new voice touching his face. Gentle. The red threatened, the eyes loomed.

_Why?  
Why did you do this to us?  
Help us._

Guilt pouring down his face. Self-loathing red in his heart. The eyes staring at him sadly.

Warmth again. Pushing his hands away. No! Don't take them away again! He raised them. They were lowered. He raised them. They were lowered. Warmth on his arms, repeating. Comforting. A final glare and the eyes retreated into a corner, the voices hissed and settled into a low murmur. Tears came again, but in relief. Gratitude must be voiced.

"Thank you."

* * *

_Don't know how many people are aware of the basics of schizophrenia - but it's a sucky disease, especially when it goes totally untreated. Not sayin' that the Soul Society version is the same, but for now it is. This was a quick write - mostly written in a coupla hours while listening to the Top 500 Songs from Rolling Stone Magazine and talking with my other half about hockey. And yes, the chapters are getting longer as promised. The next one is going to be inordinately long (I'm thinkin 7-8k) to get everything I want in it (I think.) Since there is a lot going on in my life the next update may not be for a week. Reviews, editing etc are, as always, welcome. (Now to work on the To Protect chapter...) Side note: Next week my life is getting a bit crazy, so writing/updates may be less if I run outta time to do anything.  
_


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